By now, everyone has heard Bigfoot Beware, the hit single by Randy Rose, the singer for the Residents.
Bigfoot Beware, is a sad story about Randy's dog, Sniffy, who was eaten by Bigfoot in 1963. Now, more than a half century later, Randy has sworn vengeance on Bigfoot and is actively pursuing the beast with the intention of killing him.
Angelika Schwartz, a noted psychic medium and Sasquatch preservation enthusiast, has voiced concern over Randy's quest and has taken it upon herself to psychically communicate with Bigfoot.
Ms. Schwartz said that she induced herself into a deep trance and contacted Bigfoot to find out why he ate Randy's dog and to warn him of Randy's intentions. Schwartz documented the event by means of psychography (automatic writing), a technique in which an entranced person can write without being conscious of writing.
The result was startling. Apparently, Randy's dog, was quite a terror to the Squatch family, and had repeatedly scared off the wild animals they relied on for food.
Bigfoot also indicated that he's still keeping tabs on Randy, and that it is Randy who should beware. Apparently, Bigfoot doesn't take kindly to threats.
To contact the great beast, Ms. Schwartz channeled Francis Bacon, to act as an intermediary, (Mmm bacon). Bigfoot's response therefore reflect an overtly Shakespearean English flare. Following, is the manuscript of Bigfoot's reply to Ms. Schwartz's.
This was the land of Squatch long before the walking skunk monkeys camest from across the great deep. We beheld the occupation of our land and our food supply dwindled at the hands of the invaders.Now, our Squatch families liveth in hiding as the dwellings of the skunk monkeys continue to encroacheth upon our lands of inheritance. These evil beasts hath displaced our tribe, and hath driven us into the shadows where we watcheth and waiteth for our day of deliverance.I rememberest all that hath taken place.Fifty-three solar cycles past, that little dog becamest quite a nuisance. The dog and its young skunk monkey, the one thou callest Randy, would recklessly tromp through the woods and frighten off our prey.And it came to pass, that one day, the dog had frightened away a jackalope that we were desiring to feast upon, therefore we resorted to locust larvae for sustenance.And it came to pass that whilst we were feasting upon the locust larvae, I perceived a sweet odour lofting upon the misty air; the unmistakable scent of cooking flesh. And it came to pass that I departed from the wilderness to discover the source of the sweet odor and maybe find some food to bring back.And it came to pass that as I passed through an open field that I encountered an unsuspecting cat. Sustained by the stringy flesh of the feline, I pressed on toward the source of the smoky meaty odor.And it came to pass that from the levy, I beheld a family gathered together, holding what appeared to be cattails over a fire. Intrigued, I crept closer and discovered that it was the one whom thou callest Randy and his elders cooking cattail shaped flesh fastened to the ends of long sticks.And it came to pass that as I hid myself in the shadows, I beheld that the vessels from which they were drinking were within my reach. I waited, silently, patiently and when the family was distracted by one of the meats falling into the hot coals, I put forth mine hand and sprinkled some dream powder into their beverages.And it came to pass that the adolescent skunk monkey retrieved the charred, ash covered meat from the hot fiery coals. Burning his fingers in the process, he, without haste placed the steaming meat upon a table next to the beverages. The meat looked and smelled so delightful, but I patiently refrained myself and moved not.And it came to pass that after inspecting his burned fingers, and determining that there was no significant harm done, the adolescent picked up the meat, brushed off some of the ash and bitest off a portion. And it came to pass that the meat was hot upon his tongue and without hesitation, he reached forth for his beverage and began drinking. And it came to pass that the family, humoured by the entertaining set of events, joined together in laughter. And it came to pass that they raised forth their beverage vessels in unison, uttered a celebratory chant, and consumed their drinks.And it came to pass that they fell fast asleep because of the dream powder I had administered unto them. And it came to pass that whilst they slept, I gathered together what meats I could carry, and departed back into the wilderness with my spoil.And it came to pass that no sooner had I embarked, that I heardest the tumultuous noise of the little dog who was in hot pursuit. And it came to pass that the creature overtook me at the levy and began to nip at my heels.And it came to pass that I madest an attempt to dissuade the creature by offering some meat, but it persisted, leaving me no alternative but to quiet the annoying pest. Permanently. And it came to pass that I returned to my family in the wilderness with the spoils of the day.And as for the one whom thou callest Randy, and his evil designs toward me, mayest I now speaketh directly unto him.Whilst it is true that I ate thy neighbors cat, I didst not eat thy dog. I only ate its heart. I gavest the rest to my family, who delighted in the bounty of that fruitful day.Randy! I watcheth thee at all times. And it shall come to pass that thy words wilst condemn thee, wherefore, that which thou sayeth, that shall be done unto thee.Randy, be ye ware.
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